


What We Do In The Spider

by Awakening5



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Blood and Semen, But no urine, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Smut, Vampires, What We Do In The Shadows AU, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:15:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26752699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Awakening5/pseuds/Awakening5
Summary: It's MJ's birthday--and an important one at that. Either her 200th or 400th. And for her birthday, she's asked Ned to find her a virgin. Because you know what? She deserves a special treat for her big day, and their blood is just so much better than your average living human.Ned's lucky he meets Peter, resident nerd, when walking ESU's campus in search. MJ should be pleased. She'll eat him right up.
Relationships: Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds, Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker
Comments: 52
Kudos: 62





	1. Welcome to the Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> It's October, y'all! So I'm writing a thing. Inspired by What We Do In The Shadows and all of the incredible Vampire!MJ content out there right now, I hope you enjoy this silly little story! 
> 
> Special thanks to Machi and ilovewords because I'm taking some of their ideas and because they have incredible Vampire!MJ works of their own that need to be seen by everyone.

"Good night, Mistress," Ned says as he slides the lid off MJ's casket.

MJ levitates gracefully to her feet, narrowly avoiding her head on the chandelier that hovers over her bed. She stretches her arms from a good day's sleep and smiles. Her fangs gleam dangerously in the candlelight and Ned sighs longingly at them.

"Good night, Ned," she says in greeting before gliding from her casket's perch to the ground below. "Did you have a nice day?"

"Oh," Ned responds, surprised. "Well, yes, actually. I was able to go to the store and get—"

MJ is out the door of her bedroom before Ned can finish speaking. He sighs and follows after her. "As you know," she explains, hands out to her side as she saunters down the hall. She's in her robes, and cuts an imposing and impressive figure. "Tomorrow is my two hundredth birthday."

"I thought it was your four hundredth birthday, Mistress?" Ned asks, jogging slightly to keep up.

She pauses, and turns to him. "What year is it Ned?"

"2020, Mistress."

She hisses. "Oh, I remember the old witch Coroni warning of this year back in 1712."

"So it _is_ your four hundredth?" Ned asks.

She turns without answering him. "For my special birthday, I would like a treat."

She pauses at the top of the balcony, looking down the stairs at their drab entryway.

"What kind of treat, Mistress?" Ned asks, afraid but resigned to whatever answer she might give.

"I would like a virgin, Ned. I want the sweet blood of a virgin tomorrow tonight."

"Yes Mistress," Ned sighs.

-

Sometimes Ned wishes he hadn't dropped out of his last year of high school. He was a smart guy, on his way to becoming something. He'd even been accepted at ESU. If he'd followed through on all of that, he certainly would've fit in better here on campus and known how to locate a virgin.

But he'd found MJ one fateful night, years ago. Or rather, she'd found him. Ned couldn't have been happier, really. A vampire? In Queens? She'd seen his excitement and made him a deal. And now, years later, he was still her familiar. Still not a vampire.

Ned sits on a bench in the outdoor commons area, and looks around glumly. He couldn't exactly walk up to someone and just ask them if they were a virgin, right?

"Hey, mind if I sit here?"

Ned turns to see a young man—perhaps his own age, motioning at the bench. He's got a brown sack in one hand, and gripping his backpack strap with the other. Ned shifts quickly. "Sure thing," he says, and waves his hands like he's Vanna White.

The other guy smiles warmly, and sits, pulling off his bag and setting it at his feet. And Ned sees it, like a flash from his past, of a simpler time when he spent his days watching movies and collecting toys instead of cleaning blood stains and fetching virgins. "Is that a Salacious Crumb key chain?" he asks incredulously, staring at the backpack.

The man turns to him, absolutely delighted expression on his face. "Yeah, dude! I can't believe you actually know his name!"

"Know his name?" Ned repeats, offended. "Dude I've probably still got two or three versions back at my parents' place—along with everyone else from Jabba's Palace!"

He grins at Ned, and then takes his hand out of his lunch sack, and offers it to Ned instead. "I'm Peter."

Ned takes his hands and grins back. "Ned. Nice to meet you."

"Always a pleasure to meet a fellow Star Wars nerd," he says before finally grabbing a smushed up sandwich from his bag.

Ned feels a little bad. But MJ always gets a good read on people, and does right by them. If Peter's the good guy that Ned suspects, he'll be just fine. But one thing Ned is sure of, is that the dude is as virginal as they come.

"Hey Peter, my roommate is having a party tonight. Want to come?"

-

MJ hasn't felt this excited in years. But it's one of her centennial celebrations, she's almost sure of it. She deserves this.

Ned is almost bouncing with energy himself, "Oh yeah, he's a huge nerd. Totally hopeless, definitely a virgin, I promise."

If MJ didn't know any better, she'd suspect Ned rather likes this virgin who should be arriving soon.

There's a knock at the door, and Roger Harrington answers. After a few moments—in which MJ considers strangling Roger Harrington for feasting on _her_ feast—he opens the door wide, and this Peter Parker character steps in.

Still bouncing with excitement, Ned turns to her. "There he is!"

MJ looks Peter up and down.

"Yeah, Ned," she says with a sigh. "I can promise you, _that_ guy is no virgin."

Ned's eyes widen. "What? How...but I was so sure!"

She shakes her head sadly. She'd really been looking forward to that sweet unblemished taste. But, her eyes linger a little longer as Peter shakes hands with Betty. _Down girl_ , MJ thinks as Betty eyes MJ's present hungrily.

"But don't worry, Ned. He'll do just fine." Ned sighs in relief. "But I'll be changing tactics and clothes. Keep him safe from Betty, Flash, and _especially_ Roger Harrington. I will _not_ be taking a drained man to bed with me.

-

"So, Peter," the man says, interjecting himself into the conversation he and—what was her name? Betty?—were having. Betty turns to leave with a roll of her eyes. "I'm Roger Harrington."

"Roger," Peter says, kindly reaching out his hand to shake. His first impression of the man droning on at the door hadn't been great, but Peter isn't about to ignore someone just because they are a little dry.

"Harrington, yes," the older man said. Peter can't help but wonder what he's doing here. Dressed in a yellow dress shirt and beige cardigan, he seems more than a little out of place. The others he's seen are about his age, and not older men who speak in near-monotone. He thinks he must be an uncle of this "Michelle" that Ned told him about. "So Peter, I see you've come alone tonight. Perhaps you, like me, have lost your wife and all of your belongings in a divorce?"

Peter doesn't know how to respond to that, and opens his mouth to try anyways. But Roger Harrington saves him from the attempt to respond by continuing. "It's really a rather interesting story. You see, I was teaching one day, and I got a text message from my wife informing me that she was ready for me. I wasn't quite sure what she meant by that, so I went home on my lunch break."

Peter feels the impending doom in his story and cringes. Very briefly, Peter sees Roger Harrington's eyes flicker with light. "I walked upstairs, and I heard strange noises. Noises I've never heard my wife making. Which, in hindsight, might explain some of the reason why she felt the need to look elsewhere in the fir—"

"Roger Harrington!" Ned jumps in and saves Peter from hearing the ending. Thank god. Ned glares at Roger Harrington. "Shame on you, draining Peter on MJ's big day."

Peter thinks that's rather harsh, but Roger Harrington doesn't look the least bit offended. Determined, only. "Oh, Ned, did you look into the textile business I mentioned?"

"No, Roger Harrington," Ned groans. "And if you don't stop pushing it, I _will_ tell MJ you're draining me again."

Roger Harrington, still unperturbed by being called draining, turns with a nod and leaves. This birthday girl MJ sure seems like the real deal to scare him off with just an invocation of her name. Impressive.

"Sorry about that guy," Ned says, clapping Peter on the shoulder. "He's an energy vampire."

Peter laughs at Ned's dry delivery and the accuracy of the description. He _had_ felt drained after just a moment of talking to him. "That dude teaches school?" Peter asks.

Ned shakes his head. "High school was boring enough already. Can't imagine having to sit through class with _him_."

"I'm pretty sure I'd have just skipped his class entirely," Peter says, Spider-Man duties would have been far too tempting to ignore if that dude was the alternative. "Is he a relative of MJ's or something?"

"No," Ned says. "He just lives in the basement."

"Oh."

"So, who have you met?" Ned asks. He walks them to the living room, and Peter gets a good look at the home. It's spacious for a group of early twenty-somethings, but the design of the place is so dreary, Peter thinks it could be out of the 19th century.

Betty and another young man stand near some appetizers on a table, but neither eat. They chat about "Fresh meat" for some reason, and Peter wonders if they're vegetarians and the appetizers are not for them. He also wonders at their clothing.

"Just Betty," Peter says, distractedly.

"Isn't she great?" Ned asks.

"Yeah, but dude," he tugs on Ned's arm. "Was this supposed to be a costume party or something? You and I are the only ones dressed from this or last century."

He only chuckles. "No, that's just Flash and Betty. Don't worry."

Before Peter can respond, the man he doesn't know spots him, and his eyes widen. "Oh!" he calls out. "The virgin is here!"

For the second time tonight, Peter isn't quite sure how to respond to something these new people are saying. Should he comfort Ned for being called out like that?

It's only after a beat that he realizes this stranger has called _him_ a virgin. Which Peter supposes isn't all that much of an insult, so much as a silly assumption.

"Don't worry about Flash," Ned says. "He's a dick."

"At least I've used mine!" the guy says before making a strange gesture with his fingers that makes Peter wonder exactly how he's used his dick before.

"Not nearly as much as you'd expect, given his age," Betty chimes in. Ned laughs at her joke and they share a brief smile.

Peter's still confused. Flash can't be much older than Peter, if at all, and there's nothing wrong with being a virgin at twenty-two.

"I'm Peter," he decides to say, and gives a light wave to Flash.

"I don't expect I'll have to remember that, once MJ's done with you," Flash says, and turns back to Betty.

"Charming roommate," Peter says to Ned. And then he frowns. "Dude, did you invite me here just to set me up with MJ or something? I'm getting some weird vibes from everyone about her."

Ned hesitates. "Well...sort of. But don't worry, I think—"

Peter can't help but stop listening when the latest attendant to the party arrives. She is stunning, gorgeous. Her hair falls curly over her shoulders, framing a face Peter isn't sure he could describe in any way but perfect. Her eyes are zeroed in on him, and seem to pierce him with an interest that instantly thrills him. She wears a tight top, accentuating her tall, slender figure. And her legs. Good god, her legs. Peter forces his jaw shut when Ned's voice penetrates his hearing one more.

"Oh, and here's the birthday girl!" he says, and Peter thinks he might die from happiness that _this_ is the MJ Ned wants him to meet. He blesses the bench he eats lunch at, and Ned decided to crash today. "Michelle, meet Peter."

Michelle steps forward, each step a seduction, and Peter can't help but drink her in. "Call me MJ," she tells him, and Peter nods.

"Call me Peter. Or Pete. Or whatever you want, really."

"How about dinner?" MJ asks him.

He frowns, confused. "You want to call me dinner?"

She quirks an eyebrow, and scans his body. "Maybe," she says, and Peter can't quite believe someone so beautiful is flirting with him so blatantly. "But really I was asking you if you have had dinner, or if you want some food?"

She motions to the table of snacks, and only then does Peter remember there are three other people here, all watching their interaction with vague interest. He coughs. "Um, sure. Thanks MJ." They casually walk over to the table of snacks, and Peter throws some cheese and pepperoni on a cracker.

His super-hearing picks up a little snippet of MJ whispering to Ned. But he's sure he hears it wrong. "Prepare my room."

Ned hurries off, leaving Peter with Flash, Betty, and MJ. None of them are eating, and Peter feels a little self-conscious as he stuffs the cracker in his mouth. "So, are you guys all students, or...?"

Betty and Flash look at each other. Peter thinks they look nervous for some reason. "Yes," Betty says, voice hesitant. "I study...biology. Living biology."

Peter perks up. "Oh, that's great! I'm a bio-chem major at ESU."

Her eyes go wide. Her jaw seems clenched for some reason before she responds. "Oh. How perfect for us!"

Before Peter can ask her more, Flash jumps in with a waggle of his eyebrows. "I'm also a student of Biology, if you know what I mean."

MJ rolls her eyes. "Flash, these walls are thin. The only biology you've ever given proper attention to is your own dick."

Flash glares at MJ, and Peter can't help but snicker. Flash zeroes in on him, now. "Oh, and the virgin thinks he can laugh."

Peter considers defending himself, but he doesn't need to. "You think this guy's a virgin?" MJ scoffs. "Might need to get your nose checked, Flash."

Peter thinks that's an odd thing to say, but is oddly bolstered by MJ's confidence in him. He thinks he'd much rather just engage her in conversation from now on.

"And what about you, MJ?" he asks. "Are you a student?"

She studies him for a moment, and tilts her head. "Do you want to keep playing this game?"

He swallows. There's something in her voice that ignites a nervous excitement in his gut. "Game?"

"This game where you and I ask about each other, pretend to be interested."

He frowns. "I _am_ interested." He resists glancing at Flash and Betty, who he knows are watching their interaction again.

She nods, and places her hand on his chest. His heart beats hard enough, he's sure she feels it. "I know you're interested. But not in what I do for a living."

Her hand runs up until she's cupping his neck. Her thumb rubs near his pulse point, and she's staring at the skin there. "I can be interested in multiple things," he manages to say.

She nods, and her fingers move up to play with his nape. "Let's just focus on the one then," she whispers, and Ned walks back into the room. "In my bedroom?"

Peter should be embarrassed, he thinks, having this conversation in front of everyone. Accepting this request so quickly and readily. But he's not embarrassed. There's a feeling in the air and from the others that this is perfectly acceptable behavior—all of it. So Peter joins in.

"I'd like that, yeah," he says, and MJ pulls him by the hand. Ned gives him a a brief wave and thumbs up. Again, Peter _knows_ it's all a little strange. But, staring at those legs as she pulls him to the stairs and to her room, Peter doesn't much care.

-

"Just to be clear, guys," Ned says. "This is MJ's 400th, right?"

Flash bats away the question with his hand. "Who knows with that one."

Betty nods solemnly. "She's a tough one to crack."

"So, what do you think this Peter's odds are?" Flash asks as Ned makes himself a cheese and cracker sandwich.

Betty shrugs. "Well, he's no virgin, so I suspect she'll play around with him first. Maybe he'll prove worthy to keep around."

"He's a good egg," Ned says confidently. He's a little sad that he won't be able to keep hanging out with Peter after this. He really liked him. "She'll get her fill and send him on his way."

"So, couldn't even find her a virgin, eh dick-wad?"

Ned clenches his fists. "The dude carries a Salacious Crumb keychain on his backpack!"

-

If there was any question as to Peter's experience in bed, it is more than put to rest as MJ returns to earth after her orgasm. He's still between her legs, pressing gentle kisses to her inner thigh when she looks down at him. He grins up at her, his face wet with her. She might need to take a little more of his blood than she'd been planning to refuel after he is done with her.

He crawls up the bed, pressing easy kisses to her stomach and breasts along the way.

"You taste so fucking good," he tells her before kissing her on the lips. She can't wait to taste _him_. "Do you have a condom?"

She shakes her head. "No need."

"Are you on the pill or something?" he asks.

"Or something," she says. "And I'm clean, too, by the way. Which you probably should have asked before going down on me."

"Right," he smiles at her. "Just couldn't resist, I guess. I am too. Clean, I mean."

She flips him over and slides down on him in a quick motion that seems to take him off guard. "Holy fuck," he groans out, and his eyes shut in pleasure.

"Kind of the opposite," she tells him before rocking her hips.

MJ isn't expecting Peter to last long enough for her to come a second time, but he is clearly a different breed than even MJ guessed when she first saw him. He was clearly fit when he stripped down and revealed an outrageous physique, but his ability to match her thrust for thrust is a testament to the work he'd put in.

His hands are everywhere, and MJ wonders if he has eight of them or something. They're slow at first, warming the skin of her cold thighs, over her ass and back, and then cupping her face as he leans up to kiss her. She's never had a sexual partner who can move his body like this; she can feel and see that his abs are up to the task, but it's still a marvel.

He seems determined in his quest to make her feel good, and it doesn't take long for that familiar pressure to build up inside of her again. "Peter," she moans, digging her nails into his chest. He senses she's close, and his thrusts come faster.

She leans down, smelling him, burying her face in his throat. She licks his skin, right over the carotid artery, and she sees the pulse of his blood. She can practically taste it. He pumps harder still, and the coil inside her tightens, ready.

She sinks her teeth into him, and _sucks_. He hisses, and a burst of glorious blood fills her mouth. The taste shocks her—he isn't sweet like a virgin. But he isn't her normal virile snack, either. He is more... _something. More everything_. She swallows, and comes around him. He follows not one second after, the sounds coming from his mouth far more of pleasure than pain. She feels him release inside her even her teeth pierce inside him.

The waves rolls through her as she sucks more and more. She needs to stop soon, because this man does not deserve to die, but she _can't_ when he tastes like this and when the pleasure has still not run through her completely.

He makes no attempt to push her off of him, but he doesn't seem weak, either. If anything, he stretches his neck out more for her until finally at last, she has the strength to pull back.

She pulls out of him, and the teeth marks in his neck seal sufficiently, only a smear of blood at the wound and a small dribble down his neck as evidence of her feast. She looks at him, apprehension filling her. This is always the part she hates most. The fear, the explanation, the memory wipe. She'll hate it most with Peter. She's never felt this good in living memory. Or dead memory, rather.

But he doesn't look at her with fear. He's looking at her with awe. "MJ," he says wonderingly. "That was incredible!"

She doesn't understand at first. Did he somehow not feel her teeth in his neck? Does he not see the blood dripping down her chin even now? Does he not feel light-headed from loss of blood? Surely no orgasm could cover all of that up?

He lifts his hand, and wipes his blood from her cheek and chin. Then sticks his thumb into her mouth for her to suck it clean. She's instantly turned on again. And somehow, after softening slightly inside of her, she feels him hardening again.

"Will you say, 'say it'?" Peter asks.

"Say it?" MJ parrots, quite sure she misheard him.

"Vampire," he whispers, eyes wide before breaking into a shit-eating grin.

She groans. "You did _not_ just make me quote Twilight!"

"I did!" he says, still so delighted with himself, MJ almost forgives him.

"You know, I was going to let you live," she says, "but you're making me second-guess my decision."

"No, no, no!" he whines, still playful, and MJ _really_ doesn't know how to react to this guy. She _also_ doesn't understand how he's hard again inside of her. She's not _complaining_ of course. She just thought it was physiologically impossible. "MJ, this is so cool that you're a vampire!"

"You're not freaked out?" she asks.

He shrugs. "Maybe a little. Like, am I going to turn into one now?"

She shakes her head. "You'd have to drink my blood first."

"Your blood?" he asks. He puts a hand to her chest. "I didn't think you had blood. I don't feel a heart-beat."

"Well, Mr. Well Actually," she rolls her eyes. "I guess it's technically your blood. But it changes once it's in me. And then in you again."

He shivers under her, and his hips move. "Fuck that sounds so hot."

She remembers that he's still inside of her, and she shifts slightly on him. "Do you...do you _want_ to be a vampire?"

He shakes his head quickly. "Oh, no, no, no. I've got too much to do in the daytime. That's just some vampire-level dirty talk I've never really thought of before."

MJ finally bites the silver bullet and admits her confusion. "Dude, how are you still...okay? Normally people are _not_ okay right now."

He shrugs. "Well, to be honest with you, the vibe of this whole place was kind of strange at first. But now it totally makes sense and it's kind of cool actually, and, well, that was frankly the best sex I've ever had and it's not even close. Do your teeth have some strange power to make an orgasm twenty times better or something?" He brings his fingers up to the bite marks that are almost already gone.

"First of all...maybe. You're not the first person to come while I'm biting them. Secondly, I'm asking you how you're still okay as in not passing out from blood loss."

He bites his lip. "Yeah, that. I'm...well, I'm Spider-Man." It all makes sense in an instant. The super-human stamina, his ability to regenerate a uniquely delicious blood as fast as she drains him, his lack of fear. MJ wonders if he's as strong as her. She wonders if she'll ever find out.

"Oh," she says. "Cool. You're not going to try to tie me up and turn me in, right?"

"No, I think my best means of protecting the city from you is to be the sacrificial lamb," he says with that inimitable grin.

She's thrilled at the idea, of course, but doesn't want to let him know it, the cocky bastard. She lifts herself so she's got her hands on his chest again and rolls her hips. "You selfless soul, you."

He shudders under her. "Unless you're into the tying up thing," he says.

"I'd be up to it at some point," she quirks her eyebrow at him, a question and challenge in her gaze. "After you've earned it of course."

He beams and his hands find her hips again. "Yeah, yeah let's definitely do that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying so far! Drop a note in the comments if you could, or if you've got any suggestions for outrageous vampire shenanigans you'd like to see. I've got plans, but I'd love some more ideas to drop into the fic!


	2. Life in the Shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the incredible response! I'm just having such a fun time writing this fic. Hope you enjoy this next chapter!

When Peter leaves the first morning, he gives Ned a wave and a thumbs up. Ned is confused by this, of course. When people leave MJ's room alive, they're typically exhausted and confused. He often needs to make sure they get home safely and maybe plant an empty bottle of vodka to explain the memory loss.

But Peter leaves just fine on his own despite the blood stain on his neck.

When MJ tells Ned that Peter will be coming back the next night, and to make sure the sheets are cleaned and the room is prepped for them again, he's only more confused. And a little annoyed that he'll have to move her coffin in and out of her room again.

On the second night, Ned isn't downstairs when Peter comes over. He's in the next room over, chatting with Betty. He likes doing that. Betty is kind. And beautiful. But tonight, he loses focus on Betty because he hears _everything_ from the next room over.

He's more impressed with Peter than anything. When it becomes apparent they'll be going for a sixth round, Ned does some research to see just how that's possible. He starts to get some strange advertisements on Instagram after that for all sorts of herbal and medicinal fertility treatments.

On the third night, MJ comes bustling downstairs in a robe that is hardly tied at the front, and asks Ned to make sure they have a large stockpile of Gatorade. "Even Peter has his limits, apparently," she says with a chuckle. "Which is kind of a relief, honestly." Then she turns back upstairs, to her room. The sounds he hears a few minutes later tell Ned that apparently Peter's limits were not so tested as MJ thought.

On the fourth night, MJ finds Ned and sends him in "to help keep Peter going." At his look of fear, MJ rolls her eyes. "The Gatorade, Ned. I'm not asking you to fluff him." Then she grins, her fangs gleaming. "He doesn't need help with that anyways."

He heads into MJ's room, taking in the mess. Paintings fallen to the ground, lamps tipped over, clothes strewn across the entire room. The sheets were bloody again, like they were every morning when Ned did the laundry. Peter himself sat on the bed, stupid grin on his face, and naked save for a bloody hand-towel over his lap. And Ned had to admit, yeah, if he'd seen _this_ Peter that first day at ESU, he probably wouldn't have assumed he was a virgin, Salacious Crumb keychain or no.

He looked fake, almost, with abs glistening with sweat and diluted blood. Every inch of his body had a muscle Ned didn't know existed. Between the sounds he's been hearing, and the sight before him, Ned can understand why MJ has brought him back repeatedly.

"Hey Peter," Ned says, and strolls up to the bed, handing Peter the Gatorade.

"Hey man! Thanks!" Peter says, taking the Gatorade, and downs it in seven massive gulps. He lets out a gasp of satisfaction when he's done.

"So, where are your clothes?" Ned asks, looking around the room. All he sees are MJ's.

"Oh, MJ took them from me."

"Why?"

"She says she likes me better this way."

Ned nods. "I guess that makes sense. Can't blame her."

"Thanks Ned!" Peter says, broad smile on his face. Then it faltered. "Sorry I haven't been able to hang out lately."

"Oh, no problem, man," Ned says. "I know you've been...um...busy."

"Right," Peter said, and scratched at the back of his neck. "Truth be told, I think MJ just wants to break her record, then I think we'll start taking it a little easier."

"Oh," Ned says. "What's her record?"

"Nine!" Peter says with a hint of exasperation. "But she says it took three guys and a girl to get her there. And that record's been standing for over a hundred years!"

"That's right," he says. "The great orgy of 1919. Stuff of legends."

"Yeah, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to break it too." He looks at Ned sheepishly.

There is a beat, and Ned feels the need to ask the question. "So how do you do it? Stay alive after having your blood sucked so much? And after very clearly going at it so many times every night?"

"Oh, MJ didn't tell you?" Peter says, surprised. "I'm Spider-Man."

"Oh no way!" Ned all but shouts. "I'd totally be your familiar if it was possible to turn me into a Spider-Person"

"Thanks Ned!"

He hesitates then. "Is it?"

Peter shakes his head. "I can honestly say I haven't tried, but I don't think so. Sorry, Ned."

"So...why'd you just tell me? Aren't you worried about your identity?"

Peter shrugs. "I figure you've been keeping secrets bigger than me for a while now. And MJ really speaks highly of you."

But before Ned can ask him more, MJ returns. "How you feeling, Pete?" she says.

He grins at MJ, and Ned sees a light enter his eyes. "Ready when you are!"

When MJ flies into the air and hovers over Peter, Ned takes that as his sign to leave.

-

Peter has gotten very good at changing out of his Spidey suit and into regular clothes. Though, at the rate he and MJ have been going, he starts to wonder if it's an unnecessary middle step. He might as well just swing into her room and get naked on the spot. After the—what was it, two weeks? Three—that he'd been coming almost nightly, he is sure MJ wouldn't mind.

Still, there's something to knocking on their door and being invited in, even if he doesn't require it like they do.

The door swings open, and Flash is there with a glare.

"You again?" he asks. "Does MJ have you under a spell or something?"

"She sure does," Peter grins, and sees MJ over Flash's shoulder.

Flash steps to the side and let's Peter in. MJ smirks at him, her eyes flashing. They're both thinking it. Will today be the day?

"MJ," Flash interrupts their heated stare. "This is totally unfair. He's not your familiar, you can't just keep bringing him here and waving his scent around."

Flash takes an exaggerated whiff before stepping back, a pained expression on his face.

"Oh, die mad about it!" MJ says to him before stepping forward to usher Peter away from him. "Oh, wait."

"Good one," Flash says with an eye roll, then gets a wicked sneer on his face. "He's all yours."

As if to prove a point, MJ pulls Peter in for a searing kiss. After a beat, she pulls away and hisses, with a light shove to Peter's chest. This was no hiss of pleasure like he was used to, either.

"The fuck, Peter?" she asks, and turns her head to spit on the floor. "Did you eat garlic before coming here?"

Peter's heart drops to his stomach. "Oh _shit_!" he says and stumbles backwards, hands covering his mouth. He can see MJ's lips going red, drying out, and maybe even blistering. "I am _so_ sorry MJ. What can I do?"

Flash howls with laughter beside them, and Peter glares at him. He realizes what Flash's reaction to smelling him meant now. "You _knew_ it, and you let it happen?"

He turns, flips off Peter, and walks into the other room. Peter turns back to MJ, wondering if he should go get some water, or if she just needs him out the house. "I swear I'll never eat Leo's pizza again, even though that crust is my favorite crust, and—"

"Shut up, Peter," MJ croaks out. "And hold your breath."

Peter doesn't realize she's being literal until she rushes at him, so he holds his breath, and she sinks her fangs into his neck.

Getting sucked by MJ is one of the more unique experiences Peter has had. It's the best when they are mid-coitus, and almost always brings him immediately to the edge of orgasm. There's something outrageously hot about feeling MJ inside of him, no matter where it is, but the combination of pain, blood loss, her mouth on him, and the numbing feeling around the bite _do_ things to him. And on top of all of that, Peter is convinced there's some unknown vampire power that makes the bite arousing. At least, MJ's got the power.

Even now, as he realizes his purpose is little more than to dilute the garlic on her lips and in her mouth and wash her clean, he still has to grab her around the waist and pull her hips to his. Even now, he's aroused. Even now, he has to fight every instinct to quicken his breathing.

She pulls back after a good, long drink and staggers backwards. Peter watches in awe as her lips—now red from his blood instead of damage—revive in seconds, back to their beautiful, full state. Was that his healing factor aiding her, or just the ability of a vampire? Maybe he should run some tests...

"That was not great," MJ says, and wipes her mouth with her forearm.

"I'm sorry," Peter says again, and the pit in his stomach grows. "I can go now."

She rolls her eyes. "Don't be dumb. Ned's got toothbrushes. Just make sure you're all clean before coming to my room. We've got a record to break, and I don't think it'll happen if you eat me out with garlic in your mouth."

Peter's eyes widen, and he doubles down on his promise to never eat that garlic crust pizza again. Bad breath takes on a whole new danger in this house, with this girl.

Fortunately for Peter, he's able to clean his mouth sufficiently so that a few hours later, he finds himself deep inside of MJ with no damage done. Aside from the puddle that MJ has been reduced to, capable only of whimpering the word "yes" and sometimes Peter's name.

She'd started out strong, smirking and congratulating him each time she came. She'd call out the number after she was done coming down—assuming Peter gave her time to come down. But by her eighth orgasm, she was so lost in her own sensations that she could only mumble the number before her eyes rolled back in her head. Fortunately she cried out his name into the pillow for her ninth, so Peter didn't need confirmation in numerical form. He'd only turned her around and slowly pushed inside her once more, shooting for the record.

He thrusts slowly, not wanting to over-stimulate the already over-stimulated. Their bodies are covered in his blood from her unfocused feasting. He's got four different bite marks on his body, at his neck, wrist, and thigh. He only occasionally rubs at her clit, sensing just how sensitive it is from her various sounds.

"We're almost there, MJ," Peter whispers to her, hoping to break through her fog of pleasure. "Feel my cock slide in and out, baby."

She whimpers again. He slides so smoothly, through her arousal and multiple loads that he's already shot into her this night. He's sensitive, too, but the pleasure outweighs any pain, just as he knows it does for MJ. "MJ, come for me one more time, my bloodsucker."

She moans out in desperation, and Peter falls forward onto her chest, and rolls his hips deep inside her. He's close. But he will not come before her. Not this last time. "After you come for me, I'll let you sink your teeth in me wherever you want."

She lets out a strangled cry, and her back arches off of the bed. She shakes in his arms and Peter pumps just a few more times to tumble after her.

He rolls off of her a moment later, exhausted and satisfied and smug. He turns his head lazily to look at MJ, but her eyes are closed, body lax with pleasure. She looks almost dead for how unmoving she is. Well...a different kind of dead, Peter supposes.. "Okay, Em?" he asks, smug feeling gone.

She nods her head wearily. He reaches up to brush her hair from her face. She finally turns her face to his and smiles tiredly. "Need some blood?" he asks.

She shakes her head. "No energy for that," she says.

He tentatively reaches out and pulls her to him, and she curls into him, resting her head on his chest. "Congratulations on breaking the record," he says to her. "Supernatural sex is the coolest thing in the world, by the way."

She chuckles, but it's weak. So he just holds her, this vampire of unimaginable power, who would strike fear into anyone who crosses her. She shivers in his arms, and he presses a kiss to the top of her head.

And he's not sure he likes it, but he feels a tender fondness seep into him, and after dozing on and off for an hour or two, he wakes to her sinking her teeth into his chest. His grip around her shoulder tightens, and he smiles as he gives her life and healing. When she's satisfied, she doesn't leave his embrace.

And the thud of his heart reminds Peter that hers doesn't beat. And for the first time since all of this started, he finally lets himself ponder that and all of its implications.

-

Peter is surprisingly bad at Mario Kart, Ned discovers quickly. For someone with such insane reflexes in real life, Ned would've guessed Peter would be a great gamer. But despite the wide difference in their skill levels, the two quickly grow very fond of their nightly battles.

"I'm really glad you have some spare time now, Peter," Ned tells him after coming in first and sitting back to enjoy the clusterfuck that is the battle of 4th to 10th place. Peter's only real hope is to get a Bullet Bill.

But Peter doesn't mind, and happily engages in conversation despite needing all the focus he can muster for the game. "Yeah, MJ and I are shooting for quality over quantity now," he explains needlessly. Ned has been on cleanup duty of course, and there is notably less blood of late for him to scrub off the floors and clean off of sheets. He suspects MJ's been taking her time in a way that just hasn't been important to them in the past, determined as they were to break her record. It's been nice for Ned.

That said, they _do_ seem to be branching out lately in the kind of sex they're having, and Ned is still a little bitter that they broke MJ's dresser doing only ghosts know, and he's been told to repair that tomorrow.

When Peter comes in ninth, he turns to Ned with a smile. "I'm happy I get to spend more time with you, too, Ned."

Ned smiles. Having another living person to hang out with for a few weeks has been a life-saver, really. He'd take all the furniture repair and stain removal duties happily to have Peter here.

They start another round just before Roger Harrington enters the room. "Ah, yes," he says, leaning against the doorframe. "Nintendo. Just an amazing history, really."

Ned doesn't hate Roger Harrington. The man will often siphon just a _little_ energy and move on—his students are his real prey. Still, Ned's having a good time with Peter. He doesn't remember the last time he had a human friend to hang out with, and he doesn't want Peter to have a bad experience.

"Did you know Nintendo is over 130 years old?" Roger Harrington asked. Ned notices Roger Harrington is about to continue talking—whether it's because he doesn't expect an answer at this point or knows he'll get the most energy with a one-sided conversation, Ned isn't sure.

But Peter isn't accustomed to letting Roger Harrington do his thing, and he jumps in with an enthusiastic, "Oh no way!"

Briefly caught off guard, but not terribly phased, Roger Harrington continues. "Oh yes. Founded in 1889 by Fusajiro Yamauchi, Nintendo originally produced playing cards."

"That's so cool!" Peter says, and Ned smiles at his friend's enthusiasm. Ned shoots out to first place in their game easily. Peter drops back to the middle of the pack, as usual. "And then they just transformed into a video game company after 80 years or something?"

"Well, not exactly," Roger Harrington says, stumbling a little bit. He's not used to engagement. And he's _certainly_ not used to his draining tactics failing to drain. "There were deals with Disney that put classic characters on cards in the late 50s, and then Nintendo tried their hand at toy manufacturing and sales in the 60s, including electronic toys that became precursors to arcades, the home entertainment system, and games like Duck Hunt."

Whether emboldened by Peter's enthusiasm, the actual history, or Roger Harrington's failure to drain his friend, even Ned starts to feel some interest. "That's pretty awesome!" he admits. He finishes his first lap, and glances at Roger Harrington in a brief respite of items and enemies.

The man is pale, and looks confusedly at Peter and Ned, before turning and leaving. "Too powerful together," he mutters under his breath. "I have to go find Flash."

"So...what's it like being a familiar, Ned?" Peter asks after a beat.

Ned shrugs. "It's okay," he says. "MJ said I'd be a vampire in less than three years, and it's already been five. I try to remind myself that she doesn't even remember how old she is, so time is less literal, and a bit more relative for her."

Peter frowns. "That's not cool," he says. "If she promised, then—"

"More of a suggestion than a promise," Ned interjects, quick to defend his vampire. MJ may have her quirks, but he's seen other familiars and how they're treated. It could be a lot worse. "Like a, 'you know, if you helped me out, I bet you could be a vampire in less than three years' sort of situation." Ned flashes him a half-smile, but Peter doesn't return the look.

He looks thoughtful and maybe a little sad as he loses the race in spectacular fashion, dropping to 12th place, behind even Wario.

\--

"MJ, can we try something?" he asks, and he can't help the hesitation in his tone. She's on top again, rubbing her slit along his length—they often find themselves in this position. Peter doesn't complain. But that doesn't mean he doesn't want to try new things.

"Are you finally going to tie me up, Tiger?" she asks, and if possible, Peter gets harder at the thought.

"No. Well, yes, at some point, definitely yes. I've already got my webshooter ready."

"Yeah you do," she tells him, and strokes him between their bodies.

He groans. "Not what I meant, but that's okay."

"So what is it you wanted to try then?" she reminds him. He'd already forgotten. Her hands have a way of doing that.

"Oh, right," he says, and stills her hand so he can think properly again. "You can fly, right? And not just as a bat?"

She sighs. "Sorry to disappoint, Pete, but flying sex is almost impossible."

He frowns. "What? No...MJ, why?"

"I know you just imagine flying is this super easy thing to control, but it's not. Imagine the two of us are on trapeze wires—you constantly have to worry about shifting forces and not to mention it takes a significant amount of focus, which is really hard to maintain when you fuck me, Peter." He shivers at her words. "Not to mention that there's two people worrying about all of this, and it just compounds the difficulty of it all."

He considers for a moment. "Well, in our case, only you would be doing the flying. And..." he shifts into a kneeling position so her thighs are wrapped around the top of his legs. "I'll just make myself sticky where we touch here," and he wraps another arm around her back and sticks there, too. "And here."

Her eyes are dark, and she takes him in her hand and guides him inside her. Peter bites at her neck to keep himself from groaning in pleasure. And then they lift off of her bed. "It's worth a try," she whispers in his ear before biting into him just below his earlobe.

And she's right, flying is hard. As long as they're not moving, her flight is smooth, and they float above the bed with ease. He's inside of her and touching only her, and it's euphoric and everything he hoped it would be.

But as she rolls her hips into him, they roll in the air. The disorientation doesn't bother Peter so much until his head hits the wall above the bed's headboard. "Sorry," she mumbles, and Peter feels his blood spurt from his neck where she's released her bite.

"'S okay," Peter mumbles, and thrusts into her. She groans out even as they drift through the air across the room. "This is amazing."

And for a few short seconds, it truly is. Peter loses track of himself again as her lips close on his neck once more, and he rocks into her. He's floating above her at this point, but he finds that there's really no up or down anymore, and focuses only on the beautiful sensation of her hot and wet around him while her teeth bleed him dry.

And then they crash into the chandelier in the middle of the room. MJ loses her concentration, Peter loses his sticky, and they tumble to the ground. Or rather, on the coffin that lies in the middle of the room. It had remained a permanent part of the room when Peter told MJ he'd rather it be there than make Ned take it in and out every day.

Its placement now isn't ideal though as the chandelier falls on top of them, hitting Peter sharply in the back. The force of it breaks them through the lid of the coffin and into MJ's padded 'bed'.

The shock and the pain wear off quickly enough, and the pair find themselves bracketed inside her coffin by the chandelier. They catch each other's wide eyes, and dissolve into a fit of laughter. "Are you okay?" MJ asks.

Peter adjusted himself on top of her to roll his shoulders. One of the lights of the chandelier digs into his back. "I'll be fine. I was having a really good time up until then, though."

Together, they manage to lift the chandelier off of themselves, and clamber naked out of the casket. "If it's any consolation," MJ says, and takes him by the hand to lead him to her bed—her normal human bed, not the broken coffin she actually sleeps in. "That was the closest to successful flying sex I've ever gotten."

And after the disaster that it was, they settled for MJ kneeling on all fours and Peter pounding into her until they were both exhausted and sated falling forward onto the bed together.

"I'm gonna have to ask Ned to fix that coffin before sunrise," she mumbles into his chest as she curls up in his side.

It's hard to Peter to remember that MJ is a vicious and dangerous vampire when she curls up in his arms. He lets himself delude himself into thinking she's not like other vampires. She was going to let him live long before he proved himself good at sex and capable of feeding her with his blood almost indefinitely. She probably did the same for all of her victims. She had to eat. It wasn't her fault. But at least she didn't kill or hurt people long-term.

But when she brings up Ned, his stomach twists unpleasantly. It had shaken him yesterday when Ned told him MJ had gone back on a promise. It was so simple, but Ned was someone who he'd grown close to. That he thought _MJ_ was close to. And if she was capable of such simple insensitivity, what else had he been turning a blind eye to?

"MJ...do you...do you kill people?"

She lifts herself up to look Peter in the eye. "Of course I do," she says with furrowed brow, like he's insane.

Peter looks away from her, the twisting in his stomach tightening. "Oh."

"You had to know that, Peter," she says with a roll of her eyes.

Peter sits up and throws his legs over the edge of his bed. "Maybe. It's just...you said you weren't going to kill me that first night, even before you knew who I was. I just figured...that was your M.O."

She scoffed. "And you didn't want to know the truth, so you never asked?"

Peter hates that she called him out like that. He hates the guilt that washes over him at the truth of her words. He gathers his clothes, and puts them on. "Do you...do you care at all about us? The living?"

She glares at him. "I used to," she bites out. "And after a hundred years or so of watching the living pull the same shit over and over again, I had to stop caring. There's nothing I or anyone can do, and so it doesn't matter at the end of the day, does it?"

It is hard to believe that under the cuddles and the sex and the smiles is this nihilist. So hard to believe that he still doesn't. Not completely. Still, he takes a long look at her and sighs. Then turns to leave.

"So what, is this just over then?" she asks, and Peter hears hurt in her voice. He's sure of it, even if his new image of her might suggest she's not capable of it.

He stops at the doorway and shakes his head. "I just...I need some time to think, MJ."

-

"Peter left in a hurry last night. Is he not coming over tonight?"

MJ tries not to feel all the things she's feeling at the mention of Peter. Fuck that guy.

"Probably not. Doesn't matter."

Betty raises an eyebrow. "I've never seen you latch on to someone this long."

"Wasn't latching on," MJ snaps. "He was convenient. An incredible lay and an easy source of blood."

Betty gives her a look like she doesn't believe MJ. Which, fine. It's not like Betty needed keen observations skills to notice MJ had been...happy lately. Was happy the right word? Content didn't feel like enough. But what even was happiness? A good meal and a good orgasm? Then sure, she was happy. And if it is something more? Something she hadn't felt in too long to remember? So long that she's not sure she's ever felt it? Then sure, maybe that meant she was happy, too.

"So what happened?"

MJ sighs. She could get this over with now or endure Betty's pestering for the next few decades. Might as well get it out now and avoid that pain.

"The vampire of it all started to get to him. You know he asked me to lose the casket last week?" she says, a little bite to her voice. "Said he doesn't like making Ned move it in and out, and that I sleep fine on the bed with him. But I think it was all just getting to him."

"What did you tell him?"

"I said he wouldn't sleep so well on a bed if a break in the curtains could kill him."

Betty hums. But MJ isn't done yet. "And he finally got up the nerve to ask me if I killed people. And _then_ had the nerve to be surprised and judgey about it."

Betty quirks her head. "Did you tell him what kind of people you kill?"

MJ sniffs. "He didn't deserve it. You should've seen him, Betty. Besides, it wouldn't have mattered. He made up his mind about me as soon as he stopped being a coward long enough to ask."

"And he's not worth trying?" Betty asks. "It sure sounds like you two have had enough of a good time to risk it."

MJ sighs. "Yeah, I will miss that. And Betty, his _blood_."

"Good?" Betty inquires with wide, hungry eyes.

"Remember the sixties?" MJ says. "When we'd go find the kids on LSD?"

Betty's mouth opens in awe. "That good?"

"Better," MJ sighs, and let's herself be sad. For the blood. For the sex. For...Peter.

"Sure seems like he's worth a try then," she says infuriatingly dubiously. "And the way Ned talks about him. He sounds kind of perfect."

MJ isn't willing to admit that yet. Or that she's wondering how to explain things to him, and if he'd accept her explanations. All without sounding desperate. Because frankly he doesn't understand what it was like to watch humanity suck over and over again, and no matter how much she tried, nothing had changed. Not really. And it was pretty fucked up of him to just judge her and leave.

And so she changes the subject. "So...Ned, eh?"

If Betty could flush, she would have. And MJ finds that delightful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah...it turns out I can't just write pure crack and smut, and I needed to ground Peter and MJ's story a *little* bit? Sorry for the angsty ending here. But don't worry, there's another chapter coming!


End file.
